Before getting invested and trying to pursue a real relationship, read below for six signs that should send you running.
1. He’s Not Giving in Bed
I’ve talked about orgasm equality on this blog before, but it bears repeating: Dump any guy who is not interested in bringing you pleasure when you give it to him. Sex is never about one person. It’s about both partners having an enjoyable experience together. Whether it’s in the context of a hookup, a one night stand, or a relationship, always make sure you’re also receiving pleasure when it’s being given.
So if your new guy refuses to help you after you help him?
2. He takes FOR-EVER to respond to your messages.
As dumb as men are, women need to stop believing that none of them know how to use a cellphone.
It’s true that people can get crazy busy at work, get their phone stolen, or just be bad at texting. Plus, it’s honestly not sustainable to maintain a constant conversation.
So if you’ve talked things out with your guy or find that he sometimes takes a couple of days to get back to you – Don’t sweat it.
But if you’re regularly stressing about if or when he is going to reply to you – If you’ve told him to stop ignoring you and he hasn’t listened – You should drop it like it’s hot. Anybody who makes you question or yourself or isn’t thoughtful enough to send an “I’m busy” text, is not worth your time. If you can’t trust him enough to do something as simple as text you back, then it’s doubtful you’ll be able to trust him to do more serious things down the line.
3. He Doesn’t Take You Seriously
I find that even confident women will sometimes fall into the trap of dating a guy who doesn’t take her seriously.
I myself even once found myself in this situation this summer when hooking up with a guy named Moshe. He degraded my appearance, questioned my professional potential, and belittled my accomplishments. When I got into my top choice grad school, he said it was only because I “was an international student and the university just want[ed] my money.”
Now, you may be wondering why I stuck around after all of that. Why would I be with any guy who didn’t respect me?*
To which I reply: Why should you be?
4. He Runs Hot and Cold
How many times have you gotten with a guy and had everything been rosy to only see him fall off the face of the earth the next day? You cry and get over it until eventually, he returns and the cycle repeats itself. You’re left one day thinking that he hates you and the next thinking you’ll get married.
You do everything you can to make sense of this behavior – Question your own reality even. In the end, you frequently end up blaming it on yourself.
I myself have been a victim of this addictive and toxic cycle and am all-too-familiar with it. For now, I will just say that if your guy doesn’t have the self-confidence or where-with-all be consistent about how he is feeling – Toss him in the bin. No matter how “nice” he might be otherwise, know that it is NEVER worth the emotional turmoil. Find somebody instead who will show you real love that is consistent, warm, and trustworthy.
5. He (Only) Plays Games
We’re all guilty of the occasional game of cat-and-mouse. A little banter can be fun.
But I’ve learned over the years that if I want something real, then I need to limit the games. You can’t build a healthy rapport with somebody when you’re constantly playing each other out. You can’t get to know somebody if you only ever have sarcastic and superficial conversations. And you can’t build trust when you’re both trying to win the upper-hand.
Everybody likes a challenge. But you shouldn’t have to completely manipulate your communication style in order to win somebody over. Your wit, your accomplishments and incredible sense of humor – THOSE should be his challenges.
6. He Just Gives You A Bad Feeling
Believe it or not, Taylor Swift stumbled onto some serious science when she wrote her hit song. There’s actually a large body of scientific evidence to suggest that people constantly send and receive subconscious messages to each other. We’re way more perceptive than we probably give ourselves credit for – Especially when it comes to our first impressions.
This topic is quite complex and (once again) something I hope to later explore in more nuanced detail someday. For now, just know that while you should never judge a book by its immediate cover, you should always trust your intuition. If something feels off, then it probably is.
Whether he’s an asshole or just not the guy for you, it’s always important to make sure you don’t feel like you are settling in love and romance.
Thanks so much!
I’ll see you all on Friday!
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*The answer is that I simply do not know. For, he was not attractive nor skilled in bed. I was going through a difficult time that summer and had lost a lot of my confidence. When I finally resurfaced and he made a racist comment towards Arab women, I blocked him without warning.
Also, the joke is on you Moshe because my grad school is way more prestigious than yours was. 😉
**And of course, stay tuned for next week’s blog post where I talk more about this! 😉
Bena note: Since I am a straight/cis-gendered woman and I’m speaking from experience, I’ve aimed the article at those people. Please note not all boys like girls and not all girls like boys. And some people don’t even identify with a gender! I just wanted to simplify the piece. 🙂
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